Danielle, a 36 year old from Long Beach, California, grew up in a conservative Christian household: “I wasn’t allowed to date. I could never enjoy sex because of immense guilt”. She views her upbringing as a type of maltreatment and shares how she ultimately freed herself from the constraints of the Christian values that were imposed upon her.
Danielle left the church and religion for good and is now focusing on herself and fulfilling her dreams. She says “In the event that a woman finds herself in circumstances similar to my own, I would like to extend my heartfelt congratulations to her for effectively mastering the art of not giving a F*ck.”
“Tell your story” series
I spoke to Danielle as part of a series in which we share the amazing and diverse stories encountered among the Best Kept Secret listeners. Last week I spoke with Beth, a college student from the Bay area, who cherishes her virginity and says “it’s the one thing no guy has ever been able to take from me after the connection ended“.
This week I want to share Danielle’s experience and her opinion on sex, dating and pleasure. Huge thanks to Danielle for sharing her story!
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this interview are solely those of the interviewee and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the blog author or publisher. We believe in showcasing the diversity of our audience and recognize that there is no right or wrong way when it comes to relationships and sexuality. Our goal is to provide a platform for honest and open conversations about these topics and to promote respect and understanding for all perspectives.
About Danielle
Danielle: “It could be an understatement to assert that I had a sheltered upbringing. I grew up in a household that held conservative Christian values and enforced strict military-style discipline. I received my education through home-schooling (which I was ashamed to reveal for an extended period of time).
Music is my passion
Receiving an education at home afforded me the time to pursue my passion for music, which has continued to bring me joy throughout my life. I was fortunate to receive a scholarship to attend a school specializing in musical theatre and performing arts, where I honed my classical performance skills, particularly in opera. As a minor, I also explored the world of jazz. I still enjoy playing instruments
such as the violin, piano, and guitar.Due to my early start in college, I pursued a pharmaceutical education and gained certification as a skilled make-up artist specializing in special effects. I’ve switched between multiple professions throughout my life and I enjoy diversifying my experiences. An additional benefit of having been home-schooled was developing the belief that education is a continuous way of life. There is no limit to my capacity for learning and personal development.
Art, Nature, and More: A Journey through My Hobbies
My hobbies include crocheting, acrylic painting, and constructing miniature dollhouses. Presently, I am enthused about making a miniature café. I take pleasure in cooking and assembling charcuterie boards, as well as indulging in weekend hikes, predominantly in waterfront areas where I can ascend to the highest point feasible given my vertigo and enjoy a view of the Pacific Coast.
As a passionate bibliophile, I have a keen interest in both devouring and amassing various volumes. My personal collection of books has surpassed a thousand volumes, thereby entitling me to have my very own library. My books are of great value to me and they give me a sense of wealth.
I also have a strong passion for shopping at consignment and second-hand stores as well as making purchases from charitable establishments. I find it invigorating to explore and discover unique items to decorate my home and express my personal style. As an avid collector, I possess a fine assortment of head busts and statues of both Roman and Greek origin. I take pleasure in attending museums, art exhibitions, concerts, theatrical performances, and the sporadic opera.
I have a great affection for creatures in the animal kingdom. At present, I have four domestic animals – a duo of canines named Earl and Sadie and a pair of felines named Belle and Freddie. Throughout my life, I have cared for a diverse range of animals, including bunnies, rodents, birds, reptiles, aquatic life, and poultry. I have even raised a caterpillar and released them into the open sky once they metamorphosed into a fully-grown butterfly.
Growing up in a religious household
The experience of being brought up in a conservative religious family can be regarded as a type of maltreatment inflicted upon me. I harbored a persistent state of nervousness throughout my formative years, which manifested in my tendency to remain withdrawn and reserved. A multitude of regulations led to disciplinary measures being enforced.
“Spare the rod, spoil the child”
The phrase “Spare the rod, spoil the child” was commonly uttered to convey a disciplinary approach centred on corporal punishment. The threat of corporal punishment, including spanking, and the possibility of everlasting condemnation to hell were ever-present. I believe it was inappropriate to subject a minor to the notion that their actions, or lack thereof, may result in eternal damnation.
“…if I didn’t live a righteous life, I would meet the requirements for obtaining a non-return passage to the infernal depths of hell.”
Recalling a pivotal moment in my life, I distinctly remember being informed that I had entered a stage signifying my responsibility for the well-being of my soul. As a consequence, if I didn’t live a righteous life, I would meet the requirements for obtaining a non-return passage to the infernal depths of hell.
Additionally, a looming apprehension existed regarding the possibility of being left behind as it was believed that Jesus would imminently return to gather the genuine faithful in the rapture. During my childhood, I recall waking up in the late hours of the night with a sense of dread and urgency, compelled to ascertain the whereabouts of my parents. This behaviour was rooted in a profound fear of abandonment and the subsequent peril of enduring physical harm or torture.
“Sex for women was not meant to be pleasant”
The principle of abstaining from sexual activity outside the confines of marriage is widely adhered to in Christianity, as it ascribes the express purpose of sex to the propagation of offspring. This instruction on sexual conduct was instilled in me as well.
I recollect a pastor stating that the intended sexual experience is not meant to be pleasant. The assertion specifically pertains to females. In traditional Christian gender roles, it is commonly accepted that men take on leadership positions while women are expected to assume a subservient role and not challenge their male counterparts’ authority. The male figure holds the position of authority within the domestic unit. One adheres to the principles of sexual abstinence and maintains their virginity, while engaging in courtship with their prospective matrimonial partner.
“Some of us believed that preserving our virginity and refraining from sexual activity conferred a greater sense of worth and superiority over others.”
Upon reflection, it could be observed that some of the young women in my Christian church circle, including myself, may have been interpreted as displaying a sense of moral superiority. Some of us believed that preserving our virginity and refraining from sexual activity conferred a greater sense of worth and superiority over others.
It was often asserted that defying the expectations of celibacy before the sacrament of marriage puts your conjugal connection at risk and makes your future marriage vulnerable to dissolution.
“Masturbation was sin”
The concept that masturbation is a sin diverges significantly from the biblical instruction on self-restraint. The ability to control oneself signifies liberation from desires, bestowed upon by a divine power and nurtured by the Spirit, resulting in its virtuous growth.
I won’t go into extensive details of my First initial sexual encounter, but it is worth mentioning that I didn’t experience any delay while taking on the task. Upon reaching the legal age of maturity, I thought I knew what I was doing and I was ready to go. Or so I thought. I chose not to conform to the conventional belief of refraining from engaging in intimate relationships until marriage.
Although I opted to participate in the act of sex, I consistently maintained a belief that it was morally incorrect. Essentially, I could never enjoy sex because I always felt immense guilt.
Although I intentionally chose to participate in sexual relationships, my moral compass was tormented by remorseful emotions, preventing me from thoroughly enjoying it. Although I opted to participate in the act of sex, I consistently maintained a belief that it was morally incorrect. Essentially, I could never enjoy sex because I always felt immense guilt. At my present state of maturity, I am inclined to negate such beliefs that were forced upon me in the past.
No kissing, no holding hands
There was a period when all of this undoubtedly affected me. I was never permitted to date. Even the terms ‘dating’ and ‘boyfriend’ were considered secular, the goal was to court.
I recall when the book and campaign called ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ came out. It focused on changing the term “dating” to “courting,” and it discussed how kissing and holding hands were not permitted before marriage. My parents adapted this whole idea of courting. And I thought: “What in the Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen Is happening! Being courted? What comes next, a dowry? Do you intend to give me to Mr. Darcy?”
“What in the Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen Is happening! Being courted? What comes next, a dowry? Do you intend to give me to Mr. Darcy?”
No kissing and holding hands. The goal post has just been moved up, because I thought all I had to do was not to have sex till I was married. At least kissing and holding hands would be acceptable until that time. Ultimately, there was no dating life for me till I became an adult, and started making my own choices and living on my own.
I have undergone sporadic instances of dating; however, to be candid, the frequency has been significantly modest. From the age of 18 to 22, I had the opportunity to pursue a romantic relationship with someone, who became my boyfriend. However, there was a general lack of satisfaction with the relationship, which persisted over an extended period of time. Admittedly, I should have terminated the relationship earlier than I eventually did, due to the discontent I experienced.
How NOT to dirty-talk
The last guy I went out with, the gentleman attempted to engage in what I assume he hoped was seductive banter with me. However, his attempt was incredibly cringe-worthy. While speaking with him over the phone, he claimed to have just finished showering, and I could tell he was attempting to make his voice sound alluring.
I had a feeling things were about to get interesting, he announced that he was reclining with a fan blowing onto his scrotum. I inquired why would you have a fan blade in proximity to one’s genitals. I also let him know, there is no alluring manner in which to utter the word scrotum. He then explains that due to his vasectomy, his semen has a gel-like consistency upon ejaculation.
I began to experience distressing nausea, which resulted in gagging and not the pleasurable kind, but then I burst into laughter. He questioned my amusement and commented on being an adult, to which I retorted by pointing out he had a fan blade positioned around his genital area, undermining his claim to maturity.
Leaving the church and religion
My current stance towards the majority of what is classified as “Christian values” is mostly negative due to the fact that Christianity itself has roots in colonization, white supremacy, anti-Semitism, sexism, and homophobia. Some of this so-called Christian love is a unique form of hatred. I would also like to side note that purity culture in Christianity has major roots in white supremacy because the ideal virgin would be a young white girl.
Although I do not wish to make this a political matter, I must confess I started really deconstructing my Christian beliefs circa 2016/2017 upon the inauguration of President Trump. The individuals who claimed to be Christians held onto that unstable, diaper-clad, Cheeto puff as if he was a divine figure.
My other major puzzle was the concept of a merciful God who allows occurrences such as the Holocaust and slavery. Despite articulating my concerns repeatedly, I received vague responses. It also intrigued me that pastors and Christians claimed to understand the intentions and desires of God regarding individuals’ sexual orientation and God being pro life, yet were unable to provide any insights where the heart of God was during those dark times in history.
Not too far back in time, I served as a spiritual leader/worship leader in a sizable Church situated in Southern California. During my tenure, I distinctly recall that I was required to sign an agreement declaring my abstinence from any form of sexual activity prior to marriage. I felt uneasy with this request. As I began to volunteer and observe the inner workings of the church, I witnessed things that went against my previous knowledge of Christianity and church culture, which ultimately led me to leave Church and the Christian religion due to issues of racism.
“Jesus is a fantastic figure. I give him four stars. His communication is pleasant and harmonious, however, the reality is that most Christians in America do not abide by the teachings of Jesus. If Jesus arrived, it’s likely that they would attempt to deport him.”
Stepping Away from Romantic Partnerships
About ten years ago, I made a conscious choice to step back from all forms of sex or involvement in romantic partnerships. I also decided to discontinue my use of online dating platforms, and instead focus on leading a fulfilling life, and pursue my individual interests and prioritize my contentment.
If I happen to meet a man, or maybe even more than one (I do not discriminate), I will be open to exploring ‘having my back blown out’. However, if that does not happen, I will remain satisfied and fulfilled with my current state of being.
Erotica Trumps Visual Pornography
I’m actually an avid reader of erotically charged literature. My personal belief is that that a lot of visual porn looks grotesque. Activities such as reading and auditory stimulation serve to enhance and maintain the acuity of my imaginative faculties. The sensory stimulation provided by these experiences far surpasses what can be achieved through the consumption of visual pornography.
Regarding my NSFW background, it originated from Tumblr’s Sounds of pleasure, which subsequently led to the content offered by GWA, and then to Quinn. I heard a BKs audio in which the story line was about a professor of a music. My curiosity was piqued, particularly given my prior academic involvement in the realm of classical music. I had to find out what happened because it was a multiple part situation. And I’m glad I did because the discussion of composers Tartini, Vivaldi and The Devil’s Trill Sonata in G Minor left an indelible impression on me.
Before audio erotica, the concept of aftercare was foreign to me. I really never thought much of it and I didn’t think it mattered. But I’ve changed my mind. I believe it does matter, so now it’s added to my list of standards.
I also tend to favour stories that are centred around the growth of romantic connections stemming from hostility, friendly connections, and work relationships. It brings me great pleasure to hear characters displaying possessiveness and jealousy. Although I have a fondness for MDOMS, a switch is a chef’s kiss . I derive pleasure from various aspects such as begging, praising, and worship degradation, humiliation, primal desires, and consensual violation of boundaries. From time to time, I find enjoyment in listening to BFE audio content.
Final notes
BKS: “Anything you would wish to women in a similar position you are in?”
Danielle: “In the event that a woman finds herself in circumstances similar to my own, I would like to extend my heartfelt congratulations to her for effectively mastering the art of not giving a F*ck.”
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